Dear Rosemary

Rosemary my beautiful, darling girl. My daughter. The last six weeks of having you in our arms has gone by so very quickly and yet I cannot remember how I felt before I knew you, you are such a strong part of my life, my being, my heart.

Pregnancy
Growing you was hard work darling girl, but I loved you right through pregnancy even in the most challenging times I knew you were meant to be in our family and I prayed for your health and my strength. Your little body grew inside me perfectly, doing all the right things. My body struggled suffering lots of morning sickness and
aches and pains. Our wonderful family helped us, allowing me to rest as they cared for Ezra and kept things going along. Your Dad was especially amazing covering all the practical parts of life while caring and loving me and your brother. He was excited for your arrival and whenever we talked about how life would be once you were earthside he smiled a special smile. Your brother got the idea of you more and more as pregnancy continued. Each night before he went to bed he would say ‘nigh nighs bubba’ as he kissed my growing belly.

Aunty Sarah and I spent time talking and preparing for your birth I wanted you to enter the world as peaceful as possible and was keen to do all I possibly could to have a natural, empowering birth. For most the pregnancy I was able to visualise this well and looked forward to my birthing day with joy. In the last couple of weeks however I struggled to imagine being able to get through the physical demands of labour as minor movements and day to day tasks became increasingly painful. I thought about what I wanted for the last weeks of pregnancy and labour and contacted women who lived out these qualities. Physical strength, positive attitude, determination, faith, perseverance. I asked these women to pray for me and you and send positive vibes our way. Their responses, and knowing they were thinking of us helped me to feel empowered by the feminine genius in these final weeks of pregnancy and even in labour. You and I were well looked after during pregnancy by strong, compassionate women sharing their expertise to help me (and therefore you) physically and mentally. Each physio, massage, counselling and chrio appointment was filled with words of encouragement and I left every single one feeling deeply cared for by these wonderful women. I am so thankful to Jess, Sarah, Carly and Meg for their expertise, care and encouragement during this time.

Preparing
Your Dad and I completed a hypnobirth course to prepare for your transition earthside. This was a special time for us to just focus on you, our little darling girl. We shared how things had gone when we welcomed your brother into the world and ideas and hopes we had for your birth. It was a peaceful space for us to practice meditation, massage and other positive resources to guide us during labour. We loved the chance to do this again with our beautiful hypnobirth instructor Katrina. Your Dad came to all our ultrasound appointments, we loved getting those little glimpses of you moving around inside me. You were a very active baby, I felt your first movements early in pregnancy and you continued to kick and wriggle frequently right until the end! Aunty Sarah and I attended a calmbirth course together, this gave us more tools to use, a chance to ask questions and learn more about positive birth. The instructor, Rosie, was excellent in sharing her knowledge in an encouraging and practical way, we felt very lucky to have the opportunity to learn from her. These courses were particularly helpful as I wasn’t one hundred percent happy with the medical care we were with. I worried about which midwives and doctor would be with us during labour and birth, telling your Dad and Sarah who I was hoping for. In the last week of labour I realised I was spending too much energy with this stress. I spent time with this fear, reminding myself that I could ask staff to leave if I was unhappy. Remembering I would have your Dad and Sarah with me to support and advocate for me. I reflected on Ezra’s birth where we were provided with the exact midwife we needed. I messaged Sarah saying I was letting go of this worry and trusting we would have who we needed. I prayed for it to be ok and felt God take this worry away from me.

Labour
(Home)
I went to bed Saturday night with a few niggling cramps, this had happened the week before and then stopped so I tried not to get my hopes up and went to bed. When I woke during the night the cramps were still present but didn't stop me from returning to sleep. The next morning they were not going away with at least a couple every hour. Nanny, Grandpa and Aunty Mez were visiting and I decided not to let them know that I thought you were on your way. Late morning I let your Dad know what was happening and by lunchtime the cramps were getting stronger and increasingly regular. Aunty Sarah came to visit about 4:30pm by then I was confident it was definitely labour and wasn’t able to talk during surges. Ezra would pat and comfort me and after a big, tight squeezy cuddle he went to Nan’s house to stay the night. The surges continued and I rang the hospital at 7:30pm to let the midwives know we would be coming in later that night. Your Dad and I listened to some favourite music, played a board game and enjoyed this time in between surges talking, joking and happily being together.

Aunty Sarah came and set up a relaxing space with candles, affirmations and special photos. I loved looking up and being comforted and strengthened by pictures of accomplishments I’d worked hard to achieve and the special newborn moments I’d shared with precious babies. These images reminded me both of my strength and of the joy that was to come. Your Dad helped with counting my breathing and encouraging me while Sarah provided heat packs and back massages. I had a bath and spent time in prayer I felt God tell me that if I was willing this would be an incredible experience. I felt a connection to women who have laboured and birthed before me. I used hypnobirth meditation to relax and breath through the surges which were only minutes apart. After they’d been consistently at two minute intervals I decided to go to hospital. This first part of labour had been so peaceful and I felt you weren’t far away from meeting us. As we left the house Sarah said how lovely it had been, I agreed it really was the perfect start to meeting you my beautiful baby. On the way in the car your Dad and I recalled arriving to hospital with Ezra, we were confident that things were further along than when he’d gone to hospital in labour with him.

(Hospital)
We arrived at the hospital to see beautiful Marg would be our midwife! It was reassuring seeing her, knowing she understood our values and hopes for the birth and that her calm, gentle approach would support this. This was exactly what happened! Our birth preferences were honoured beautifully, Sarah later remarked that it was like Marg memorised all our birth preferences. She checked with me before doing anything, didn’t interrupt my meditations and was happy to adjust things to support us. We were all surprised to find out I was three centimetres dilated, I had really hoped to be further along. However I was able to very quickly go back into positive thinking and my experience with Ezra’s birth reminded me that I could keep going. I knew you were on your way even if it was slowly. Marg, Sarah and your Dad kept up the encouragement and labour continued in our calm, dim room of the hospital with my favourite relaxing music and hypnobirthing tracks playing. I had a lovely warm bath with relaxing oils and listened to the hypnobirth affirmation track. Marg let us know the doctor would be calling in to see us shortly, and to my delight the doctor that night was Megan Helper! A beautiful female doctor who I had seen early in pregnancy, she had since finished in Ararat and only occasionally relieving on weekends. I couldn’t believe our luck and timing in having her! I was on the floor working through surges and with Sarah and your Dad supporting me when Dr Helper arrived. She calmly entered the space and sat on the bed allowing surges to finish before chatting to us. Her approach suited our space perfectly, and I appreciated the way she spoke validating me and checking with me before she did anything. I was keen to know how far dilated I was, thinking it must be very close to ten. It was six am and I was still only at three centimeters. I was shocked and disappointed as I felt I had been working so hard and that this slow progress would mean intervention would be needed. I thought of you and worried that a long labour with such regular contractions would be distressing for you. I worried that this beautiful, empowering labour would be taken from us and I wouldn’t get the birth I’d been hoping for. This is the moment our birth story could have gone in a different direction and I am incredibly grateful that the stars aligned to send us Dr Helper. She was so calm and reassuring, she sat on the bed next to me, while my thoughts were screaming what a big deal this was she told me the opposite. She emphasised how well we were all doing, the dreaded term ‘failure to progress’ was not mentioned nor was any suggestion of intervention. Instead she kept saying I was labouring ‘beautifully’ and that it was perfectly normal and fine for dilation to come later, that all the work I’d done was really moving the baby down and I might find something shifts and dilation comes quickly. She reassured me how well I was doing, that you were fine and happy. After this I spent some time in bed resting between surges which had slowed down slightly. Your Dad had a little rest and then it was time for Marg to leave and the next midwife Jess joined us. I could not believe our luck, I had told Sarah weeks earlier that if I could choose midwives it would be Marg and Jess! Despite encouragement from everyone I felt that I would not be able to have the natural birth I’d been hoping for due to the slow dilation. I had been working through surges well but the excitement and full trust was gone. An affirmation I had been listening to while pregnant and during labour was ‘I am prepared for whatever birth my baby needs.’ I realised I wasn’t putting this into practice and I needed to let go of the disappointment and allow my body and baby to work together with a positive attitude, whatever the outcome. I focused on this. I thought how lucky I was to have medical care if my baby needed it, I reflected on how amazing my labour had been to this point- if things changed now I was proud of how I had gone. I knew my birth preferences and chosen support people would ensure intervention only occurred if you my baby genuinely required it. I let the worry go and allowed myself to be present in that moment as I got into the bath. After some time in the bath the surges become very intense, I found the visualisation of a jellyfish tightening and releasing helpful and recalled the sensation of ribbons on my hand from our hypnobirth class. Sarah repeated an affirmation of the jelly fish to me each surge. I began to feel my waters coming down, I remembered this sensation from Ezra’s birth. I told Jess this was happening and she felt it was time for me to get out of the bath. I was reluctant to do this as I was so comfortable in there. I turned around and my body began to push. There was no focus on this from me it just suddenly happened involuntarily. I had began second stage of labour! With some encouragement from Jess, your Dad and Sarah I managed to get out of the bath. Immediately after getting out the urge to push returned. I started to move out of the bathroom but couldn’t get further than the doorway as my body was exhausted and wanted to focus on pushing. Jess explained that you were on your way and checked I was happy for to arrive there. I was happy to not have to move any more. I still wasn’t sure that you were close as I had in the back of my mind my low dilation and felt it couldn’t have progressed this quickly, Sarah told me to trust my body that it knew what it was doing. As soon as she said this I felt total trust and although I still thought you’d be awhile a way and might need help but I let go of any worries and gave into the sensations of each moment.

Birth
I lay holding you Dad’s hands his words encouraging me, as I leaned on him. I continued to feel strengthened by all the women who supported us, as I had throughout labour. I connected with those who were birthing at the same time around the world, and those that had birthed before me. The pushing was intense but empowering. I was confident it was normal physiological pain and even in the intensity I was excited to be in this amazing experience. When I found out Dr Helper had finished and it would be a different Dr coming in I briefly felt disappointed and nervous. This didn’t last long however as the midwives let me know I wouldn’t need a Dr as you were coming now and I was doing so well. I returned to focusing and trusting my body, determined to give your birth my all. I felt so powerful I even roared in between one lot of surges! I knew that I wasn’t in the best position to let gravity help me but I had no energy to get upright or support myself, I briefly tried leaning on the exercise ball but I felt more comfortable laying, leaning into your Dad so I went back to this position. I kept pushing, lead by my body, Jess helped me to feel your head, showing you truly were nearly with us! Your precious head kept moving in and out, then just as I was becoming confused and a unsure how to get you out, Jess gently and clearly told me to hold and push. The phrasing she used made sense to me, I was able to push, hold, push, hold each surge. Then I felt your head come out, what a sensation! Even though I felt it I still didn’t believe it fully until I heard my team tell me your head was there! I was able to catch my breath as I waited for the next surge to come. With this surge your body came, an even more incredible feeling. The physical sensation of birthing you was more than I could ever have hoped for. I had done it! I had ran my marathon! I had the birthed my baby! My pregnancy was over! You were here! And you were a girl! I had a daughter! The room was an emotional rush of joy, tears and smiles. You were quiet as you looked around the room and I anxiously asked the midwives if you were ok. They assured me you were, you were my healthy, beautiful baby girl. I had an actively managed third stage of labour and the placenta arrived quickly, once the cord had stopped pulsating Aunty Sarah cut it and you and I became two for the first time. Jess and another midwife helped me up and we went to the bed to keep you warm and give you lots of precious skin to skin time. We were all so happy to have you in the world my darling girl, we looked at you and knew you were our Rosemary we named you and stayed in the delight of your arrival as you lay on my chest.Aunty Sarah left and we shared the wonderful news of your arrival with our family who were all so excited!

Postnatal
My prayers continued to be answered for the right people to be with us and we had the lovely Marg who is also a lactation consultant caring for us for our first two nights with you. This was the perfect set up for our breastfeeding journey. You did such a great job latching and feeding really well. You slept well too, much to our amazement. We kept enjoying it a day at a time assuming that soon you would begin to cry more and sleep less. As I write this you are seven weeks old and still such a calm little soul fitting into our family perfectly. You sleep so well- hours at a time! You feed beautifully and I am so glad we got through those first couple of weeks when I was sore, now I love feeding you and feel so lucky to be able to do so. You smile and look around at your toys and at our faces. Ezra always greets you and tells you about his toys or his day. You look at him so intently as he sweetly talks to you, and my heart melts! Your cousins and family were all so excited to meet you with lots of visits from family and friends and so many beautiful gifts. The first month of your life earthside was a gentle transition for both of us. Your Dad was home for two weeks, then Nanny stayed for a few days, Aunty Jane and Johannah came to visit and Nan and Sarah cooked our meals and came whenever they could. This meant you and I had lots of time together- just the two of us. Feeding whenever you wanted, a lot of the time I slept when you did and we would lay next to each other just taking one another in. It was a blessed time of bonding in our own little love bubble. It was winter and the very cold, grey days made inside warm, snuggles with you all the more perfect. Now as we start to venture out more and catch up with friends, everyone I see remarks how happy and well I look. This is because of the delight you have brought me, it is amazing feeling well physically again, and having you fit in so well makes our days smooth and happy. My darling Rosemary you have made me so incredibly happy. I am so pleased to have you, my daughter in our family, my life, the world. I could look at you forever and absolutely love this stage of life being home with you and brother. I don’t think things could possibly be better. Every day I feel lucky and honoured to be your Mum. Thank you for coming into the world my darling girl, we love you and always will.